Printer friendly version | Rate this Article | Comment on this Article
The Krootrix
Why is the Krootrix?!
Madness 40,000 #4
"Hello?"
"Hi. Dominoes Pizza!"
"What the?! Oh feth, wrong number, sorry, mate,!"
"No problem."
"Hello? And if you're a fast food chain say so now."
"Huh?!"
"Oh. Hi Ginity. its taken me three hours just to get your damn number right!"
"Three Hours? Is this line still secure?"
".Maybe?"
"You ba**ard, Leman!"
A room somewhere
The armed arbites stormed in, aiming firearms at a woman near a computer, and a huge pile of empty gin bottles.
"-hic- Damn, they got me."
Suddenly, the woman hopped from her seat, doused all in Alcohol, and burned most of the arbites in a huge fireball.
Then as she ran out, encountered another arbite. She kicked his gun out of his hand, then trailed her finger in front of his face.
The arbite followed her finger until his eyes crossed over, mainly as the woman had kicked him in the Maracas.
Then a man in a suit appeared from one of the dead arbites, and started shooting.
She then ran up a wall.
"Err, is this a spider-man spoof?!" asked a bewildered arbite, who was promptly possessed by a suited man. He and his new companion followed her.
One of them slipped and fell halfway up
The other shot at the woman as she jumped from rooftop to rooftop, the suited man however , kept falling at jumps, letting her get away.
Soon, the woman was running towards a telephone box, when it suddenly exploded.
Three suited men stood nearby, the only armed one with a now-spent Hunter-Killer.
"Shouldn't we have shot it when she was in it?"
"Maybe."
Suddenly, the woman stole a Rhino that had conveniently been parked nearby, and drove towards the arguing suits.
One Jumped away, one went down a manhole, and the other ran.
And ran.
And ran.
Ginity wondered why the suited man kept running. She had stopped chasing him an hour ago, but was now driving around, trying to find a phone box. She eventually found one. an old Police phone box.
She entered, and found a living room.
"D'Oh!"
"Can I help you?" asked Tom Baker
"Sorry, thought this was a phone"
"It is, but its also my house."
"Oh."
"In the kitchen."
She answered the ringing phone, and left.
"Oh have you gone? Shame. I was wondering if you wanted to know anything about Tau weapons. hold up, who was there to say the next targets name is Uwn?"
Somewhere in the Universe
A man lay slumped in front of a computer, asleep. He awoke to a message appearing upon his screen, and mashed escape . This worked, so the man was worried. That never worked.
There was a knock at the door.
The man opened the door.
"Hello, can I interest you in an Insura." The Insurance salesmen (despite it being 8:00pm) never gave up in pursuit of their roles . Fortunately, they were a dying breed. The .45 calibre stub pistol wielded by the man was a key reason.
"Ah, I see you already have InsuranceAAGH!" the salesman said as his head left his body.
Soon after, a legit visitor arrived, and stepped through the mound of dead St. Thor's Witnesses and Salesmen.
"Hi.
"You got the stuff, Uwn?"
"You got the creds?"
"Twenty thousand dead high lords."
"Hang on." The Man, Mr Banderson, fetched a mini STCdisc and gave it to his buyer. whose name was unintelligible on the VHS copy Del watched the matrix on. And he couldn't be arsed to run media player and watch the DVD.
"Thank you."
"And if you get caught using that" Mr Banderson, AKA Uwn , told the buyer
"yeah yeah, you don't exist."
"I don't. I hacked the Imper-Net when they tried to prove It!"
"Okay. you need to get out more, go to a nightclub or twenty, see people, so follow us."
Uwn did so, mainly cos someone told him to follow the white rarebit. and the man sure enough had one on his head for some reason, and it was white.
In Da Club
*DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA!"
"Who the hell let 50 cent AND So Solid Crew in?!"
Uwn , after dodging the bullets, entered the club. Then started to dance.
Suddenly, a woman, whilst attractive but smelling of gin, approached.
"Uwn. we brought you here to warn you." she said.
"How do you know that name?" he said
"Read the stage directions properly. "
"Oh."
"Anyway. hey, you misread them! I'm Ginity."
"Oh.. Really, I er."
"Thought I was a guy?"
".thought you were an Inquisition agent actually."
She stared at him blankly.
"Why?"
".because you acted like a child sometimes."
"That's because I was drunk."
"Oh"
"Well, anyway. we brought you here because we know your looking for an answer to a question."
"The Krootrix? What do you know? What is it?"
"Not what. Why." she saw a man in a suit enter the club.
"I can't tell you now, but I advise you run!"
After she left, Uwn walked up to the man who had just entered.
"Any idea why she was so afraid of you, Mr Bond?"
"Don't Know. After all, I work here ever shince I losht my job ash with the Intellegneche shervices.."
"Yeah. she mushn't be a regular."
"Are you mocking my Acchent?"
"No, no, Jamesh!"
Next day
Uwn went to his workplace. late as usual.
"Mr Banderson. every single day, every week, you walk in here one hour late. Do you have a timekeeping problem?"
"Well, sir, my alarm clocks broken."
"Bull. You spend all night playing Videogames!"
"umm. sir, you challenged me to a game of Unreal Tournament 40,003 at 5AM!"
"Err. I have a five-figure salary, I'm allowed!"
"But, so do I. 200.35 imperials a week"
"Look, just shut up already! How do you want this solved? Do you want everyone else to start work an hour later?!"
"That's settled then." Uwn left the office.
"Err, Tom, that was a rhetorical question!"
He then went over to his PC. an 'ancient arcane machine' according to the management 'that could not be replaced due to its ancient .. Build being unique'. In fact it was because they were so old they were listed buildings. Uwn's PC not only housed the little man who ran the system, but the mans whole extended family.
"Tom. if you don't get back I might have to, er, fine you."
Uwn booted it up by kicking it until the family was awake.
"Tom. TOM!. Fine, that's it, you are so going to get your ass kicked by the mangers!"
Uwn Loaded his Vital work.and did it for some time until
Suddenly, a Manager shot him in the back of the head
"That's for being late, Tom!" said the Manager, Via UT's message system
Uwn cursed the fact the managers were crack-shots at UT.
"Woohoo, I found a redeemer!"
"AAAARGH! Mister Vice President, I thought you switched them off!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Now one of the lowly workers can say they killed me! Fabulous!"
Five Hours Later
Uwn received a parcel.
AFTER checking it didn't tick, he opened it
A Vox-Phone fell out.
Uwn put it to one side, but then it began to ring...
"Hello Uwn."
"Hello? Who is this?"
"I am Morphineus."
"Wow, are you. are you really him? The painkiller addicted Hacker/Terrorist/Anarchist?"
".Yes, but I prefer Hacker/Anarchist/Terrorist as that spells H/A/T."
"Ah, okay." Uwn said before gibbering insanely
"Uwn. I have to make this quick. They've found you, and we didn't want that to happen. "
"Who?!"
"Microsoft were Headhunting you. But we threw them off."
"How?"
"Well, if I said 'Machine Guns, Pistols, Knives, Katanas, and a hell of a lot of blood and explosions' that wouldn't be the half of it."
Uwn then stared at the news on Vid-net News Network. the one with the violent war on Cadia being shown.
"Why haven't we heard about this?"
"Good heavens! Don't you realise the Government are perpetuating a society of fear and paranoia via the news networks and accusing lonely races of having WMD's? You don't think they'll want to CHEER people up with news like that do you?!" Morphineus said
"No."
"There's another thing. They have found you too."
"Who?!"
"Look at the elevator.Slowly"
Uwn did so. There was no one there.
"WEST elevator!"
This one had Three men in suits. And a few arbites
"This is about the Parking Ticket isn't it?!"
"Possibly, But Uwn, listen carefully. We need you out of there. Follow my instructions carefully. and hold on."
"What for?!"
"It's the end of this Chapter, You'll have to wait two or three days until I can guide you out. Don't worry, those Agent-Type guys will have to wait that long as well. BULLET TIME!"
"What?!"
In the office
"Uwn, I can guide you out, but you must do exactly as I say. The cubicle beside you is empty. When I say go, go." Morphineus said
A few seconds passed
"Go NOW!"
This cubicle dodging continued for a short time
"When I tell you, run to the end of the corridor. RIGHT to the end."
"But, Theres a door there. Do I open it?" Uwn said
"No. I will make it dissapear"
Uwn ran straight into the door with a muffled thud and an expletive.
"Heh, Gets em every time."
In the little side office
"Uwn, you must go to the window." Morphineus said
"Okay." he did so cautiously
"Go out the window."
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!"
"Uwn, there are three ways out of here. That window, In the company of the enemy, or by flushing yourself down the toilet."
One look down at the ground made Uwn spew more than a Plague Marine in an air freshener shop. OUT the window.
Skwatch sauntered happily along, glad thaton his day off, nothing bad or disgusting would happen. And he decided to look up then.
The agents, Arbites and Uwn took the teleport elevators down. As he was bundled into the waiting Rhino, something screamed to accompany a wet splat.
Meanwhile, in front, a Woman sat on a Bike, looking at the man being arrested.
"Damn. Hic!"
She tried to then zoom away, but her bikes tyres slipped on the spew from earlier
"There's almost Continuity this year!" said an Agent
"Shut up and drive."
Random Inquisitorial interrogation building
Uwn was marched through the dingy Inquisition fortress, passing by torture rooms, "confessional" rooms and many others.
"And in these torture rooms, Mr Banderson, we use only the cruellest methods."
"Want to watch Balamory, heretic?"
"Ooh, yes please!"
"Tough! Its Eastenders for you!"
"NOOOO!"
".and in these rooms we have people willingly confess"
"Alright. you did it, didn't you?"
"indeed, I *yawn* oh, sorry, . I Did it."
"Very good, Interrogato.. Mr . Ex, your confession means you will be executed and your soul will go to the emperor."
"So, that's 3500 major heresies we can close the book on then, Drederick."
"Indeed, Timothy. it's a shame we can't just torture fake ones out of people any more."
"And in here we . will not tell you what we do in here." An assortment of stamping noises and a strange noise, like Jpop being played
"Woo, go Jimmy, you got 5000 points!"
"Come on now, its Gregor and Jaq's turn on Dance Dance Revolution now, Interregators. We didn't get House of the Chaos Zombies for nothing you know."
".Ahem, guys, close the door."
"Whoops, sorry Interregator Smith!"
"Any questions, Mr Banderson? And it's a staff room if you must know"
"Just one: why am I going to interrogation instead of torture ?"
"Torture has listening devices, Mr Banderson. The Nature of the crime you are accused of cannot be listened to by members of certain ordos on the audio tapes, because they would undoubtedly get it wrong."
"Oh, I see, Technophobic."
"Not. exactly."
The Interrogation Cell
"Mr Banderson, you have lead an interesting double life. One as Thomas Banderson, a Ministorum data-cleric for a reputable company. the other as the imper-net hacker Uwn." Interrogator Smith said.
"One of these lives has a future. the other does not."
Banderson glared at him.
"How about, I give you the finger, and you give me a phone call?"
". we did, we phoned you yesterday and told you to quit it or we would take you in for questioning."
"That wasn't a prank call?!"
"No, and Interrogator Strin was most upset when you said she sounded like a teenage boy." Said Smith, gesturing to a red-eyed Female interrogator.
"Sorry." Uwn mumbled
"Lets try again: Quit it."
"Or?" Tom said
"Or."
"Wait, how about, you give me a phone call TO my lawyer, and."
"And?" Asked Smith
Banderson looked at the Interrogators
"And I give you back the pics of the Sector overlord in a compromising position."
The Interrogators stared blankly.
"Err. that's not our department, but it might be a good laugh." Interrogator Strin's face locked into a horrified stare at this point.
Banderson handed the images over.
"Can I have my phone call?"
"No. you don't have a mouth so you cant speak, you see.and you'll help us with our goal, whether you want to or not."
Uwn's lips then fused, and he leapt up, screaming, or at least trying. The Interrogators held him down on the table as a Miniature Tau drone was removed from a case. It then flew in Uwn's stomach, and he passed out.
Smith resumed looking at the pics, then realised who the woman was. And fused his own mouth before hopping up mumbling.
Strin turned beetroot.
Uwn awoke suddenly. The Phone was ringing.
He answered
"This line is tapped, so I must be brief. They got to you first, but that's not really a problem." Said Morphineus
"Wha?"
"If they knew, what I knew, you would be dead."
"You said it was tapped!"
"Ah, well, they know you're dangerous no.." Morphineus continued
"SHUT UP!"
"Yeah, sorry. anyway, you may have spent 2 years looking for me, but I've spent my whole life looking for you."
"Umm. I'm regretting it now, cos you gave me a freaky nightmare and possibly the Inquistion on my tail."
"If you want our help, head to the Line 34 Hov-train bridge."
"Okay."
"And now the running Gag: BULLET TIME!"
"You know, when I meet you, you're going to have a lot of bullets."
"BULLET TIME, DAMMIT!"
The Bridge
The rain fell from the sky like spears. Uwn stood as a Car neared, with two women in the back. The door opened. He entered, and promptly had a Bolt Pistol aimed at him.
"Wh. What did I do?!" he asked
"This is needed, Uwn. For our protection." Ginity said
"Your protection?" he said "Most gals just want me to use."
"DON'T finish that sentence." The Pistol-aiming one of not instantly identifiable gender said.
"Okay."
"Uwn, Take off your shirt."
"A minute ago, you said not to finish that sentence, then you go and."
"Look, there's two ways to do this: our way, or." The pistol-wielder said.
"Missionary?" the driver interrupted
"Look, just shut up ! Our way or the Highway." she continued .
Uwn opened the door.
"Uwn, please. Hear us out. We know you've been down some road, somewhere, and seen a guy lying unconscious."
"Yeah, your point is?"
"I know you don't want to be that person.So take your emperor damned shirt off!"
"Cant you at least buy me dinner first?!"
But Uwn was obliging, due to the second bolt pistol, aimed at his groin
"We think you're bugged." Said Ginity, brandishing a C'Tan thingycathcer
"This is possibly the first time this has been said to you, but I really hope you're about to perform some sort of amateur surgery. honest, I don't need 2 kidneys."
"I see it!" cried Ginity
"what, the bug or his kidney?" said the driver?
There was a soft, squidgy noise, then an electrical crackle, and some whimpering.
"Got it!"
"His kidney or the bug?!"
"Both! You heard him offer. its not his real kidney anyway."
They threw the bug away, and took the kidney to a organ dealer. Then they drove off to a mysterious warehouse.
Aforementioned Warehouse
And Uwn was taken to a building that seemed abandoned, but had lights on. They were not uncommon in the slums of the hive
As the endless stairs were climbed, Uwn enquired about the lift
"Its kind of dangerous to go in the lift. watch. Hey, Ron, go in the lift " Ginity ordered the driver.
A man did so
"And remember what the guy at the oracles house told you about spoons."
The man nodded
"And now apply that to the lift cable and brakes" she continued.
"AAAAAAAARGH!"
"See? it's a death-trap."
Uwn walked up the stairs quickly
" Hello? I'm. quite badly injured. The 'I know the injuries are not real so they cant be there' trick is quite hard to do. hello? "
***
Uwn was taken to a set of double doors. He entered.
At the window, there was a figure.
"At last..Hello Uwn." Said the bald, leather trench coated man .
The man walked from the window towards Uwn.
"Its an honour." Uwn replied
"The Honour. is yours. I know I rawk. " egotripped Morphineus
Uwn sat down.
"I imagine, that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice."
"Err, no, I'm wearing mens underwear, I only wore my sisters underwear for a bet in college."
"Wrong Alice, nimrod!" Morphineus wailed.
"Are we talking about my sister, Alice, or 'Alice in Blunder land' , the popular fairy tale about a Sister of Battle who fell down a rabbit hole?" Uwn asked
"Blunderland."
"Ah, well, your imagination sucks. I thought I was Neo in the Matrix."
"I know what you mean. You want to know the answer to some questions." Said Morphineus
"Ask any dumb ones you have now." said Ginity.
"Umm. That thingycatcher your me. wome." he hadn't really finished guessing about the first one "Troops used earlier, what the hell made it?"
"The C'Tan."
"Aren't they the bad guys?"
"What?!"
"The Matrix: Another unbearable parody has them as."
"This is the Krootrix, matey. That's a fictional story. "
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but if that's the case, haven't you broken the fourth wall?"
"Indeed, Uwn. But the fourth wall is the main boundary between this reality, and the truth."
"Its something to do with." a thunderclap and a rumble "The Krootrix, isn't it?"
"Indeed, Uwn. You know there is something wrong with the universe. You can feel it. This feeling brought you here. Do you want to know what the Krootrix is?"
Uwn nodded
"Its everything around you. You see it when an Arbite smacks someone, you feel it when the Arbites declare 'looking at me, pal' a crime, you also see and feel it in many other police-brutality related occasions. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to hide the true universe from you."
"The true universe?"
"That you are one of the slaves. Sadly, you must see the matrix for yourself. This is your last chance.
Take the blue pill, and you wake up in your bed, and you believe what you want to believe. although we might mess with your mind a little." A rubber sheep floated past the window, with a man following it on the ledge.
" Careful, Ron! "
" What did you say EldraAAAAAAA. "
" .well, that's what you get for filling the pranks with helium. "
"Take the red pill and you go deeper into the rabbit hole."
Uwn took the red pill.
*FRRRRP!*
".Oops, sorry, that's my laxative. Its meant to be the green pill." Morphineus said
Uwn took the Green pill nervously, then questioned:
"You made me just soil myself, why should I trust this one?"
"Because it will take you to a place where your underwear isn't soiled." Ginity said. "Usually."
Uwn took the green pill.
"Eldrad. we online?"
"Almost."
"Take a seat, Uwn"
The team started doing stuff with computers, and Ginity messed around with a machine that went 'bing'
"The pill you took will help us find you in the real world."
"Whats that mean?"
Morphineus paused
". you may feel a slight stinging sensation.."
Uwn looked at him, and he flickered.
The mirror began to melt.
His skin went transparent.
"Leman, we're sending you a signal soon."
Uwn began to hyperventilate.
"Now, Leman!"
And Uwn's last thought inside the world of lies was: I didn't have any corn.
Meanwhile, Morphineus raced over to the telephone, picked it up, and, as he faded off, proclaimed
"BULLET TIME!"
Lord knows where
Uwn awoke, In a dark, liquid-filled chamber.
My God-Emperor. did I take the blue pill?
Uwn then tore out of the pod he was in, and opened his eyes, wrenching cables from his mouth. The he saw the other pods. millions of humans, row by row, upon spires.
Suddenly, a robotic constuct, resembling a Necrontyr Wraith, yet not Necron in orgin, attacked, removing a plug from Uwns cranium, followed by plugs upon his spine and the draining of the pod. Uwn fell, bald, and near naked, into a pool of some sort.
"Put me back in, its cold out here."
Suddenly, a grabby-arm came from the sky.
And picked up a giant teddy.
" dammit! I wanted the Cuddly Nidzilla! "
" don't you mean 'Uwn', Cypher? "
" Yeah, but its so cool, come on, boss! "
Eventually, it picked him up.
Aboard a Ship
The crew assisted Uwn (mostly: one was taking away a Big teddy and a large cuddly Tyranid), and Morphineus greeted Uwn
"Welcome to the real world."
I hope this 'real world' has a heater. Uwn thought I'm bl**dy freezing.
Then he passed out.
in some mysterious surgery.
"We've found him at last, Ginity."
"I hope you're right."
"You don't have to hope. I know It."
"How's It doing?"
"Fine. He's got a new job now. He works as a mop since they cancelled the new Addams Family."
"Really? That's nice. Ooh, look, he's awake."
Uwn awoke fully, and asked "Am I dead?"
"Yeah, mate, you wish!" said the one who had taken the cuddly toys away earlier
"Cypher, SHUT UP!" said Ginity
***
"Why do have so much trouble moving my muscles?" asked Uwn, as the team inserted needles into him, a form of acupuncture, Uwn assumed.
"You've never used them before."
"What, not even my legs?"
"Nope." said Cypher
"My Arms?" he asked
"No way." Gintiy said
"My."
The one called Cypher looked at him for a moment and said
"Welcome to the club, buddy."
***
For the first time since exiting the pool, Uwn awoke properly. He pulled one last needle from his arm.
And Morphineus entered the chamber.
"Morphineus, what is this place?"
"More like, when? You think its 40,999 when its really closer to 41,990"
Morphineus took Uwn to the main bridge
"Welcome aboard the Nobuccaneersere."
"The what now?"
"it's a warp ship, flying thought he old webway. "
"Meet the crew: Cypher" He pointed to a Dark-Green wearing marine. "Leman, Ginity, Ron, and Eldrad. The one behind you is Mouse."
Uwn turned and saw a Ratling.
"Uwn, come with me, I'll explain the situation to you.
Uwn lay down on a couch, and had a metal rod inserted in the back of his head.
"OW!"
***
A Place with bright light
"Welcome to the Construct. Here we load in anything from clothing, to guns, to equipment, and, in Cypher's case, dating Simulators. Nevertheless, he still fails to score." Uwn smiled.
The two walked over to a pair of chairs beside a TV
"The reason your clothing has changed is because this place works via residual psychic self-imaging."
Morphineus took a proper look at Uwn
"Why the hell are you wearing '80's clothes?!"
"I can't help it, they mentally scarred me." Uwn replied.
"You know what you think the universe was like, in 40,999. " The images of Jaqass, the EoT war, and other conflicts flash up on the TV
"But here, is what its like today." The whole area faded to a brightly-decorated house
"What the?! Oh hell, they did it again!" Morphineus cried
"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, OH MY GOD AN SMG!" Said Barney, as Morphnieus pulled his Autogun and blasted the dinosaur
"Guys, the Universe as it REALLY is, not a DVD we use to mess up the minds we freed and don't like!"
Uwn stopped trying to search the area for a sharp object, as he noticed the dead dino.
"Uwn, know this: we can let you play with these guns if you waOH MY GOD-EMPEROR, how did you load in a Bolter?!" Morphineus exclaimed
"I dunno!"
"Wrong one still, guys, that's the wishing well programme!" Morphineus yelled. Eventually, a Ruined landscape was morphed in.
"This. is reality. Over 98% of the Imperium is in ruins, Terra is under the grip of the enemy."
"Enemy?"
"For too long, we looked to the Eldar ,the Orks, the other aliens, and Chaos, as enemies. We marvelled at ourselves, eventually, when the Adeptus Mechanius made an AI."
"An artifical intelligence? We had them."
"Not like this. This one took over every other AI. We soon discovered how: It was a copy of the hive mind. Made by the Squats."
"What?!"
"They were behind it all. They went missing away when the Tyranids first attacked? They were just hiding behind their creations. They were a distraction for them to run in case they were found out."
"I.. I don't believe it"
"When that AI took over all of them, it wiped the Astronomican out too. All the machines hard-wired to the psykers killed them. And the Tyranid armies changed in tactics. Trillions of them attacked at once, and within 10 years, they had most of the Universe, apart from the Cadian sector. We kept them at bay, the Races and Traitors forced into Alliance or Annihilation, Even the Necrontyr sided with us, but we still have the problem of the untold Trillions of minds that the Squats took for the power for their new machines. Their machines, that rule over worlds where they mine, and build. The Squats have been rewriting things, making. errors in history. The Necrons? They're so powerful to make you hate them. The other races are in the process of being switched to be like that. So that the majority will not believe the truth if we free them."
"This cant be true.. Let me out! LET ME OUT!"
Uwn faded back to real life, yelling
"Uwn, calm down." tried some of the crew.
Morphineus appeared.
"Uwn. we showed you the truth, you have to believe"
Uwn began to hyperventilate.
"Breath deeply." Ginity told him
"Hes gonna pop!" Cypher said
"He's gonna puke. I recognise that look well" Leman said
And then Uwn threw up.
"Urg, icky. Someone get a mop!" The once called Mouse did so, and began to clear up as Uwn was taken away.
"Okay, so maybe we should have been a little more subtle. but he'll come round." Ginity said
"To the idea or from Unconciousness?" Cypher asked
"Both. BULLET TIME!" Morphineus cried
"Do you have to do that?!"
"Yes, now stop moving, times slowed, down, its BULLET TIME!" He angrily said.
Back in the bunk
"Uwn, I know you find it hard to believe. I told you it was hard to explain."
"Actually, you didn't."
"Oh, yeah, whoops. Anyway, I apologise. We aren't supposed to free minds once they reach a certain age. I did what I did because I had to. But Uwn, trust me, you will soon believe. When you see the worlds where they've taken most of the humans and other intelligent creatures. Necromunda, Pavonis, Macragge, T'au. they rule over an empire they control by the ultimate means, and when you see that empire, you will believe. That's how I was convinced: I saw the endless rows upon rows of incubation chambers for Humans used more or less as batteries."
"Are duracels so expensive in reality they need to attack people?!"
"Yes. Those shmucks priced themselves out of the market."
"There's no way back, is there?"
"No.. but if there was, would you take it?" Morphineus asked
"Is there chocolate biscuits in reality?"
"Yep, they're cheaper too."
"Then no." Uwn answered.
The Bridge
Uwn was taken once more to the bridge, this time.
"What's this for?" Uwn asked Leman
"Well, we'll download certain fighting styles into your mind, and you'll learn em, see?"
"Okay."
Uwn sat down, and mumbled as a fighting style was loaded.
Three hours later, Uwn announced that he knew kung-foo
"Show me." Morphineus asked, and the two entered the Construct.
A Dojo
Uwn and Morphineus faced off.
"Fight me. If you really know , you'll win."
The two exchanged blows, Untill Uwn was thrown into the wall by Morphineus.
"Good. you problem is not your technique."
"It Isn't?"
"Nah, you just plain suck."
Uwn lunged at him, a barrage of blows, all deflected.
"You're fast. you can be faster. Don't think you are, KNOW you are!"
Uwn backed off, getting his breath back
"You think that's air you're breathing?"
Uwn turned white
"What is it then?!"
"Err. air."
Uwn stood once more
"Now stop trying to hit me, and HIT ME!" Morphineus cried
Uwn let loose a barrage of punches and chops
"Stop hitting me and try to hit me!"
***
Atop a tall building
"This is the Jump ProgrAARGH! Quit it, Uwn, stop the Kung-Fu!"
"Oh, sorry."
"Anyway, see that building over there?" Morphineus pointed, and then ran towards it.
He jumped straight over.
"You try."
Uwn did so.
Floating like a bird throught the air.
And made it.
"Woohoo!" he yelled
Cyhper appeared, growled, and shoved him off
"You smug fether! It took the guy training me fifteen tries tog et me to jump, and then it took me 80 to make it!"
back on the bridge
"That wasn't nice!" cried Uwn
"Sorry, but I hate it when people get so jammy." Cypher said
In another programme
"is everything, as I said. Look around, you see Adepts, workers, soldier, all a part of the system."
Morphineus motioned to the crowd now walking towards, and into, them.
"But while they are part of that system, they are our enemies. We wish to free their minds, but some of them cannot let go so easily."
"Why?"
"Because this is people. They don't like sudden change."
Uwn stared at a woman in a shimmering, color-changing field
"Are you listening, Uwn, or looking at the Harlequin Dancer?"
"I was, uh."
"Look again."
Uwn did so, and the Interrogator pointed a Bolt Pistol at him
"OHCRAPOHCRAP!"
"Freeze." said Morphineus. "This is an Eejent. They're programmes built by to stop us. They can appear at any time, from anyone."
Uwn looked at the Bolter once more. The safety was on
"They, er. always so dumb?"
"Not quite. Uwn, I wont lie to you. Every single person who has fought an Eejent has died. Either by meeting one of the good ones, or laughing themselves to death. I've seen them punch through brick walls, or try to and break their wrists. I've seen men empty whole clips at them, hit either nothing but air, or blow the Eejents arms and legs off. Then they grow back."
"Oh, that's not so odd."
"As Autocannons."
Uwn stared horrified.
Just then, Morphineus's vox-phone went off
"We got trouble!"
Back aboard
The crew raced to the cockpit.
"Did Cadia send the warning?"
"No, another ship."
A holo-image popped up of what resembled a cross between a Mars-Pattern sentinel and a Necron Wraith.
"What's that?" asked Uwn
"A Sentry-Null. They're Squat made robots built to patrol the Webway, and hinder us more."
The ship lurched as it took cover behind a chunk of Debris.
The group watched, silently, as it floated past. The systems were all down.
The machine stared at them, then looked away
" Now, we just stay quiet, everyone. " Said Morphineus
*Phrrrrrt!*
"GINITY!"
The Sentry-Null looked at them, panic appearing in its metal face, then fled. into a wall where it smashed itself to pieces.
"That was close." Said Leman
"Too Close." Said Cypher
"Yep.. BULLET TIME!"
"Aw, come on Morphineus, at least let the air clear before you force us to stay in it for a few days!"
"Okay." He turned on a fan, which blew the smell away " Now BULLET TIME! OR ELSE!" He said, pointing at an about-to-protest Uwn.
The Mess Hall
Uwn sat, eating his goop, as Mouse approached
"Hey, Uwn, you know the woman in the red dress?" he asked
"Not personally."
"I wrote that programme."
"Really? That's nice."
Uwn walked away, quickly, to prevent himself becoming the next Cyhper.
Whom he instead went to talk to.
"You should have scared me there, but I saw you coming."
"Right. what's all this on these screens?"
"The code for the Krootrix. Eventually, you'll not see these lines, just what they mean.
You know, blonde, brunette, transvestite."
"That raises a few questions: if you get bits cut off in the Krootrix, what happens to your actual body?"
"Well, for the case I mentioned, ask Glitch."
"Who? Oh , yeah, the blonde 'chick' who aimed a gun at me."
"Yeah, her. She had her finger cut off once."
And at this Point, Uwn was horrified to learn that any creator could be so cruel as to do that to a girl, contrary to the beliefs of Sam Vimes.
***
Cypher sat across the table from an Eejent. He was eating a Cheeseburger
"So, do we have a deal?" asked the Eejent.
Cypher picked up his burger
"I know this burger does not exist. But when I put it in my mouth, I know that the Krootrix tells me that it is juicy.tasty. probably gobbed in by the staff."
"No, we made sure they never do that. " The Eejent smiled at a Staffer, who grabbed his groin instantly and screamed.
"But do you know what 9 years outside has made me realise?" He took a bite. "Ignorance Is bliss."
"Except the fact they forgot your mustard." The Eejent snapped his fingers, and two others dragged the manager away. The Mustard was added to the burger at the same instant.
"So, do we have a deal?"
"Yep, I'll get you what you want, or the people who have it if you just put me back in afterwards. And I don't want to remember NOTHING."
"You get us Morphineus. you get back in."
"And I wanna be someone important. like a Space Marine commander."
"Whatever you want. When we have the psy-codes to get past the Psychic shields around the Cadian webway."
The Ship
"Take us to Transmission level . We're taking Uwn to see the Orry-Cull." said Ginity, wandering past.
"Umm. Gin? Lemans over there." Uwn pointed out
"Oh yeah."
The Krootrix
A Vox-Phone sat upon a table. Morphineus picked it up
"We're in."
The crew left the building, approaching a parked land car.
Cypher, however, threw a phone in the bin
***
They drove throught he streets of the City, and Uwn pointed out a place he once worked.
"When you were a Student at the Adeptus Minstorum University, yes?" Ginity asked
"Yep. Had to work there to make ends meet. Left after my friend Halcyon had that accident with the pickle slicer." Anyone looking at Cypher then would have seen his face lock into a stunned stare.
"What happened?"
"It cut his bits off, just after he spat on an Arbites burger. Made me believe in Karma."
***
They arrived at the Orry-Culls home. Morphineus and Uwn entered.
"So, this Orry-Cull. she can predict the future?"
"Not as such. She simply knows everything."
"What, Everything?"
"Yes, Everything. Who will win the 3:10 horse race, for instance. She even knows how to get a Gold Chocobo first try."
***
They entered the apartment. Inside, a small boy was mucking about with a spoon. And Serif DrawPlus, the Orry-Culls assistant
He looked at Uwn, as it span around, bending at the end.
"I can bend the spoon, because I know it isn't there. Try. "
Uwn took the spoon.
"You know. this feels like its there to me.."
He then stuck it into the kids head.
"Ow. everyone does that these days."
Serif then appeared, and informed Uwn that the Orry-Cull would see him now.
He entered the Kitchen. The smell of Ork Fungus was abundant
"Smell good, don't they?" the Orry-Cull said, turning to Uwn.
"Er. sort of."
"Yeah, whatever" She took the Ork-Fungus cookies out of the oven. "Don't mind the Stikkbomb."
"What Stikkbom*BOOM*YEAARGH!" Uwn said, knocking a stikkbomb off a shelf, and frazzling his eyebrows.
"So Morphineus thinks you're the Wun?"
"Err. probably, but it looks like that's been missed out in a Plotloop."
"Let me see your Hands." The Orry-Cull looked at them
And her smile faded slightly.
"Sorry, kiddo. You aren't the Wun."
"I see."
"But you knew that already, I suppose. Here. Have a Cookie. By the time you're finished it, and its gone, life will seem so much better."
Uwn then thanked her, and left.
Morphneus sat outside.
"What was said, was for you. And you alone."
He paused
"But can I get a bit of that cookie?"
Returning to the Real World
As the crew climbed the stairs to the exit-vox-phone, Uwn noticed a Black Cat walk by the doorway.
As he went to walk up the stairs, he looked again, and it walked past once more.
"Whoa, Deja-Vu."
"What did you say?"
Meanwhile, aboard the Nobuccaneersere, Leman swore at something he noticed
"Deja-Vu happens when they change something. If we're lucky, an Eejents just upgraded his Happy Meal to large for free, if we're unlucky." Ginity said, as the group raced upstairs
"Glitch, Eldrad
In the room, Ron was given a warning by Leman. He tried to leave via the window, but it was now bricked up.
He grabbed the twin Autoguns, and aimed at the door, as the Arbites burst in.
It was no contest: the Arbites gunned him down in seconds.
On the stairwell, the crew halted, hearing the shots. And looked down, to see more Arbites racing up the stairs after them.
"Oh hell, we're in trouble now." Uwn said
"Yep. And we cant get out of it for a little while cos its BULLET TIME!"
"Really, surely we could use a better running gag?" Asked Ginity
"BULLET TIME!!" yelled an irate Morphineus.
They fled like rats from a farmer. A Farmer who, angry at the crops being destroyed, has commandeered an Apache gunship.
"Oh hell." Said Morphineus, as he realised that the only exit was now sealed up.
"You can say that again!" Said Ginity
"Oh Hell. Cypher, gimme your phone"
"Wont they be able to track us?" Asked Eldrad
"I know, but we have no choice" He said, as Ginity handed hers over. "Operator. we're at the west wall." During this, Eldrad handed a Shuriken Pistol to Uwn
An Eejent below heard this, and told the Arbites and fellow Eejents
"Eighth floor."
The Arbites went to the room where they should have been, and found. nothing.
"Wha? They disappeared faster than people who like George W. Bush!"
Cyhper, meanwhile, inside the wall, disturbed some dust.
And spluttered
An arbite heard this, and approached slowly.
Cypher then coughed loudly.
"They're in the walls!" Cried the Arbite, firing at the wall. Uwn returned fire, the discs forcign the Arbite to take cover.
Suddenly, the arbite yelled out, as he was possessed by an Eejent.
The crew were about to move off, when the Eejent hit the wall.
Uwn heard the thuds. and then the whimpers.
"Its an Eejent!" Cried Cypher
"Well, duh."
Another Eejent arrived, throwing the inept one away. And punching right throught the wall, and grabbing at nothing
"Wrong wall."
Eventually, he grabbed Uwn. But Morphineus burst out of the wall, attacking the Eejent.
"Get Uwn out of here! He's all that matters!"
Uwn protested, but Ginity grabbed him
"Lets look on the bright side. you wont have to put up with the 'Bullet Time' Gag." Morphineus cried
And at that, the entire crew were away faster than you could say 'who needs loyalty?'
At the bottom of the shaft, a hole host of Arbites appeared, aiming at the team. Glitch and Eldrad fired upon them , dropping three. But the Imperial police fired gas grenades, so the team made additional haste in leaving. As they fled, however, Cypher tripped
Well, at least SOMETHING goods come out of this Though Ginity.
Meanwhile, the Eejent smiled
"Ah, the great Morphineus. we meet at last."
"And you are?"
"Elrond. Eejent Elrond"
"You mean Smith?"
"Err, yes."
"You all look the same to me."
The Eejent then threw Morphineus against the wall, buckling the plaster.
Then Morphineus tried to fight back. But it was in vain. He was soon left winded, on the floor.
Smith turned to the squad of Arbites.
"Take him."
They charged, Shock Mauls drawn. Then hesitated.
"Err, he's just one, half-unconscious guy. He'll kill us in seconds!"
"Oh, yes. use the Tazers then"
They did so.
Back on the Nobuccaneersere, Leman received a call for Cypher.
"I need an exit. there was a anti-grav car accident, it just crashed, boom." Cypher told Leman, whislt putting the Lascannon down a drain.
"Okay. 2 blocks south, the old Printing works."
Ginity asked for the same thing via her Mobile Vox-Phone.
"You're not with Cypher?"
"Crap, he got awa. err, I mean, no, er, nice to hear he got away."
Cypher kicked the wooden panels away from the window, and hopped in, disturbing a pile of old unsold 'Kharns Memoirs'
He picked up a ringing phone, and was back aboard.
"How they doin?"
"Good, they'll be back in a minute." said Leman
Cypher walked away, and picked up the Plasma Gun.
He took aim. Leman turned to see him with the weapon raised, and took a ball of plasma in the chest. Seeing this, Ron, who had been left behind due to his accident-prone behaviour, ran at Cypher, power sword raised. He stumbled, and cut his own head off. Cypher just looked for a few seconds, before taking the headset from Leman.
Ginity called up again, now that Her, Uwn, Glitch and Eldrad had reached the Printing works.
"Hello, Ginity."
"Cypher? Wheres Lema."
"He's having a nap. A long one." said Cyhper
"Oh feth." Ginity said
"You know what, everyone? If Morphineus had told us the truth, we have told him to shove the red pill up his A.."
"That's not how you take laxatives!" Ginity yelled
"Damn, it's the green pill, isn't it? Oh well, he never saw this one comin' did he? He never saw that someone would look for freedom."
"You are free!" Ginity protested
"Am I? No, I'm not. I cost something like £7 and that's before any GW Price increases!"
Suddenly, Eldrad fell, eyes crossed, and said
"Ah, dammit, what is it with me and getting my soul trapped in Machines?!" then his body died.
"Welcome to the real world, folks. I'm tired of the war, tired of the crap we have to take, eat, do. So im going back in."
"That's not possible."
"It is, they just put my body back in, and I get a life I want. A life more real that this. Oh, and if you have anything important to say to Glitch, say it now."
Ginity and Uwn both said "Err, I thought you were a guy when I first met you, sorry."
"That's fine, I thought you were both guys too."
"Umm, I AM a guy." said Uwn
"Nice to see I was half ri." then she fell dead.
"Too late." Mocked Cypher.
"Emperor damn you!" Ginity yelled.
"Don't hate me, Gin. I'm just the Astropath." He walked over to Uwn
"Now, this is where we can prove something. If Uwn is the Wun, there has to be some miracle to stop me. After all, how can he be the Wun. If he's dead?"
"Cypher, no.." Said Ginity, trying hard to convince him to tempt fate
"Oh yes, Gin. If I pull this plug, we know. If something stops me." Suddenly, a metal pole fell from the roof, missing Cypher by inches.
"HAH! They don't make injury-causing miracles like they used to!" Another three fell, Cypher dodged.
"Now, there cant be many poles left, or the whole ship will fall apart. So as you see, I've won." Cypher said
Leman stood up, Plasma Pistol in hands
Cypher yelled out
"No. how did you..?"
Leman Smiled
"Bionics."
And he fired, catapulting the Traitor into the poles which had all stood up..
Cypher awoke, and saw the Chaos Gods look down upon him.
" You know, you little nimrod, you dodged so many of our efforts to kill you, we're angry. " said Tzzentch.
" So we're all going to kill you. " said Khorne
" Many Times Over! "said Nurgle
" And in hideous ways, too! " Slaanesh said
Cypher screamed.. And died a million times over.
Khorne turned to the rest and said
" Isn't there something someone's supposed to say? " said Khorne
" Yes. BULLET TIME! " said Tzzentch.
Ginity awoke, exiting the Krootrix. Leman stood in front of her.
Uwn soon followed.
"Where's Ron?" She asked. Then spotted the blood
"He, ah, lost his head." Leman said.
"And Cypher?" asked Uwn
"Its safe to say he's feeling rather holy."
The Inquisiton Fortress
The Grav-Ornithopter containing the Eejents, some Arbites, and Morphineus landed on the Helipad at the top of the tall Fortress.
And the Eejents dragged Morphineus to an interrogation room.
"Billions, upon Billions, of people. All living out their lives in here. Your Human civilisation in action at its peak. I say 'yours' as when you got our Squat masters to build your machines, and think for you. So we decided to reverse the way it went, make you think for us. make your people. happy, so they would not rebel. But no one accepted that Universe."
"A Universe with no miming, no fake singers, and no Barney the friggin' dinosaur was way too far fetched!"
Smith looked at him
"Quite. but the next one, we decided to have at the peak of you civilisation. I say."
He paused.
"Damn repetition error!"
The Other Eejent prepared a serum, and prepared to inject it.
"But soon, you'll all be happy. trust me." said Smith.
The other Eejent injected.
Smith noticed a problem.
"I cannot help but wonder why he has a hand growing out of his arm, that you just injected the serum into?"
All three looked at the syringe, sticking out of the nameless Eejents hand.
"Err, could you maybe do it, Smith?" he said, then started dancing.
***
"What are they doing?" asked Uwn
"Trying to break him down, hack his mind."
"How long will that take?"
"Varies depending on how strong the mind is. But they'll break him soon, and they'll get the codes to break the Psy-Sheild of the Cadian Sector. Every Ships commander has them."
"There must be something we can do?"
Leman looked ashamed for a moment.
"Pull the Plug."
Ginity was horrified.
"No. No, you cant!"
"Ginity, we have to!"
"No!"
"We have to, we cant leave the radio plugged in if I want a Burrito!"
"I thought you meant Morphineus."
"Nah, I think better when I eat, you know that. So I'm gonna plug the microwave in.
***
"Never send a Humanoid to do a Squats job."
"Cypher has failed us. But we have Sentry-Nulls seeking them."
"Deploy them immediately."
***
"Morphineus. you were more than just a leader to us. You were like a Primarch."Leman said, poised to pull the plug.
"No.Stop." Uwn said
"What?" Leman said
"This cant happen. the Orry-cull told me I would have to make a choice."
"What choice?" asked Ginity, but Uwn went by.
He was getting ready to re-enter, when Ginity convinced him to explain some more
"Morphineus was willing to die for something he believed in. He thought I was the Wun."
"That's why you cant go back in, he sacrificed himself to get you out!"
"I'm not the Wun. If I don't try, he died for something he believed in that wasn't true."
"Uwn, its SUICIDE. it's an Arbites building, even if you get in, its crawling with Eejents." Leman protested
"It might seem like that, but its not. I believe I can bring him back."
"Bring him back what? Bullets for his collection?"
"To REALITY, Dummy!"
"Oh."
"Uwn, you have to be the Wun." Ginity protested.
"I'm sorry, I'm not. I'm just a guy.I barely have a 5+ save
He began to resume his task, as Ginity also began to prepare to go in.
"What are you doing?" Asked Uwn
"Going with you."
"No, you cant."
"You wanna know what I believe? I believe that the money Morphineus owes me means more to me than it does to you. So if you don't like it you can go to hell. They've got a nice Rollercoaster ."
The Interrogation room
"May I share a revelation I had with you? I had it whilst I was trying to classify the Human species. I realised you were not mammals. as."
Morphineus decided to use an ancient mental chant to block out the Eejents mind games.
Must meditate before the chant. ah, I'm there. lets chant. Aas soon as ii break these handcuffs, matey.YOU'RE GOING HOME IN AN AMBULANCE! YOU'RE GOING HOME IN AN AMBULANCE! Iiif aai can get away from this chaiir. IM GONNA RAM IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE PAL.
The Construct
The rows upon rows of guns flew past Uwn and Ginity. Ginity said to Uwn:
"You know, no ones ever tried anything like this before."
"And that's why it has to work."
"How do you figure that out?"
"It didn't stop Snake Solid!" Uwn yelled
"Yeah, but he's not only fictional, but he's SCARY!"
Uwn hefted two Autogun SMG's, and pointed at Ginitys Flamer.
"And we're not?"
The Interrogation room
Smith turned to the other Eejents, and told them to leave.
They did so, one hopping out happily.
"I'll be honest." Said Smith. "I hate this place.this. prison, this zoo. it's the stench you see."
"Well, maybe you should rewrite the programme to lower the price of Lynx?"
"Shut up!" he angrily yelled
He then grabbed Morphineus'es face
"I want to get out of here, I want to be free from here, and your mind holds the key to that. So I need the codes in your head to get to Cadia."
The Eejent looked at the clock.
"But first, do you know what time it is? That clocks stopped."
"Its BULLET TIME!"
Smith dived for cover.
"No no no, I mean it's the end of this chapter."
The Entrance
Uwn walked up to the metal detector. It pinged, as the case he had been carrying went through the machine.
A Security guard walked over, and asked for any metal objects he may have had.
"Sure. Have 6 bullets first." And Uwn shot him, before gunning down the other guards.
As Uwn and Ginity walked into the Lobby, a Squad of Imperial Guard came out of the lift, taking aim at them. The two dodged left and right.
As the bullets flew around, tearing the lobby to shreds, Uwn drew two Bolt Pistols, and blasted at Guardsmen . Ginity, meanwhile, killed a few with a pistol, before kicking another so hard he got three adams apples. She also stole his Bolter, and gunned down a few Guardsmen on her side.
As Uwn switched to twin Shuriken pistols, Ginity kicked a Guardsman with a mars-pattern shotgun, stole the gun, and killed him. Uwn meanwhile ran forth, gunning down the enemy soldiers.
Ginity blasted a few more Guardsmen, but took cover leaving three or four alive.
Uwn, Meanwhile, Scooped up a fallen lasgun and Kneecapped a few, and also shot them in the heads if possible. One surviving Guardsman had his head kicked almost clean off by Uwn.
Upstairs
"What where you doing?" Asked one Eeejent. The other hopped in, his eye twitching.
"Wha..?" Asked Smith
"They're trying to save him, yes, try to steal the precious."
Smith slapped the doped-up Eejent about a bit
"YOU ARE NOT GOLLUM!"
"Not Gollum I am, yes."
Smith gave up
"Its close enough."
The Lift Shaft
Uwn and Ginity stood atop the lift, having put a bomb in it. They had stopped at floor 41, and were now planning to use the lift cable as an express elevator. with the lift itself as a delivery mechanism for the device.
They shot the cable, shot up, and the bomb plummeted to earth.
The Lobby
Eldrad blinked. His soul had been floating around, looking to steal a body if possible, and he had finally found one. Cowering behind a pillar, having hid from Uwn and Ginity.
He went over to the lift, planning to follow and aid his friends, when he saw how fast it was falling.
The explosion shook the whole building, but the most shaken was Skwatch, who, again on his day off, had decided to sit on the bench outside the Inquisition Fortress. Then the ground rumbled, and it rained bits of Eldar Farseer.
The Room where Morphineus is
Smith and the other 2 Eejents stood, confused as the building shook. Then the sprinklers flipped on.
"My Suit. Find them and Destroy them!"
The Roof
Uwn and Ginity walked onto the roof, shooting Guardsmen. One in the watchtower announced that they were under attack as bolts pinged off the walls, and the Eejents took note. The non-Yoda Eejent possessed him then, as the two fought their way through the last few Guardsmen.
The Eejent then stood behind Uwn.
Uwn, noticing this, span round and loosed off a volley of shots. The Eejent started to dodge, but in the process, actually caught three shots in his head. However, he remained standing.
"Four Wounds." he said, simply
"Ginity, a little help?!"
She had scarped off into an armoury..
The Eeejent opened fire. Uwn dived backwards, dodging all but two rounds that grazed him.
It walked forth, aiming the pistol at Uwn's head.
"Only a tall creature." it said
"Save this." Said Ginity, aiming a Lascannon at the Eejents head.
Ginity helped Uwn up, as bit of Eejent-reverting-to-soldier's head landed all around them.
"How did you move so fast? You moved like them." She asked Uwn
"It wasn't fast enough though. and this stings!" He looked at the Ornithopter
"Can you fly that?"
She looked at it.
"Nope, but it'll be fun to learn."
Meanwhile, The Eejents were dismayed as their compatriot re-entered the room. And even more dismayed to see the Ornithoper outside, Assault Cannon manned by Uwn, and aimed at them.
"No!" Cried Smith
"Torn to tiny little bits are we going to be, yes." said the Yoda-Eejent
"Oh yeah, baby!" Yelled Uwn
The shots blasted the window in, and threw water and wood all around. The first Eejent fell, his chest a red mass, and the second tried to dodge, but found that he only had 2 wounds left, and soon lost them to another volley.
Smith took aim, and tried to fire back, but the Shells tore him apart also.
Meanwhile, Morphineus sat cowering in his chair. when the shooting stopped, he stood up.
"Morphineus! How did you get free so easy?"
"They never tied me up."
Uwn and Ginity stared.
"You mean you could have ran out without them torturing you, and us going through all this?"
"Nope. I hadn't seen the episode of Eastenders they made me watch yet."
He then ran towards the Window, planning on jumping aboard the Thopter. But the Eejents began to shoot through the walls. They hit his leg , and he stumbled.
"He's not gonna make it!" Uwn Yelled, and jumped out to grab him.
Having caught him, the Thopter then zoomed off, but Smith managed to get a lucky glancing hit in on its rear armour. and it began to lose altitude
Uwn and Morphineus dropped down onto the roof, as the Thopter went down.
Uwn braced himself , and was dragged to the end of the roof, and would have been dragged over by the helicopter had Ginity not cut the opposite end, and grabbed on. Uwn pulled her up.
"Looks like we managed to do it without TOO many people getting killed."
The Ornithopter exploded, and the building it hit did the same, and the collapsed onto its neighbour, which also fell, hitting its neighbour, which also fell ,hitting it neighbour.
The three looked at the destructive domino rally that the area was becoming, and ran off.
As they ran, Morphineus asked Ginity
"Do you believe now?"
Uwn replied to him
"Morphineus.. The orry-cull told me."
"A Crock of S***. She had just ate ork fungus, for cryin' out loud! She only tells the truth when she isn't cooking!"
He paused
"And trust me: She cooks a lot."
They neared the exit phone, in a subway, the screams and rumbling fading away as the rally headed westward
"You first, Morphineus." And as he picked up the phone, he returned to reality. And a tramp looked on, bug-eyed.
Ginity paused as the phone began to ring
"Uwn." A large rumble, and the pitter-patter of burning debris landing all around outside .
"Guess the Gasworks was in the way." Uwn said
"The orry-cull told me something. I want to tell you as well, but I'm afraid of what it could mean."
Uwn said: "Just go on, you can worry about it later." And so she did. Then she saw the tramp, now Eejent Smith, pull the Bolt Pistol out, and fire.
She had already left, but the phone was now tatters.
"Mr Banderson. I'm sorry to see you ignored our warning."
On the Ship, the crew stared at the event unfolding
"What's he doing? Run, Uwn, Run!" Yelled Leman
"He's going to fight him. -ooh, there goes the Spaceport!- but there's one problem."
"What's that?" Ginity asked fearfully
"Come on, its obvious, Its -wow, I didn't think it would blow up THAT much of the city!- Its BULLET TIME!"
"Actually, I think there were a few hundred tones of missiles involved as well, but what they hey?"
"Fine then. EXCESSIVE AND NEEDLESS CITY DESTRUCTIVE VIOLENCE TIME!"
The Subway
Smith stood, pistol at his side. Uwn looked him in the eyes.
The two sprang froth, blasting at each other with their Pistols. As the two met, they fought briefly in mid air, before falling down, pistols at each others heads.
"You're Empty."
"So are you, and I got your wallet!" said Uwn, jumping up, and putting Smiths wallet into his pocket
Smith yelled at Uwn
"Mr Banderson. I am your father!"
Uwn stopped, puzzled.
"Wha? Are you on DOOF!" He said, interrupted by Smiths first swing.
"Are you stupid, Mr Banderson? That NEVER works."
"Whose keys just got stolen?"
"I thought you too. Aw, Emperor damn it!" Smith exclaimed
Smith and Uwn exchanged blows once more, Smith catching a kick of Uwn's, then throwing him against the wall with the aid of his own Belt. Uwn fell, whimpering. Smith wondered why, then noted that he hadn't got the belt, but instead, had inadvertently administered an Exterminatus Wedgie.
Standing to try and fight back, Uwn was kicked straight throught the woodworm-infested ticket booth, an army of tiny Krootwoodworm hopping away in panic from the disaster that was a parable of the city being flattened above.
Uwn stood up from that, only for Smith to throw him once more against a wall, and unleash a fast barrage of punches. Then Smith tossed him into the tracks, as a train approached.
"You see Mr Banderson, had you just listened to me, you would not be here. You would not be the latest red streak on the subway system. But now, you have to be."
"The Name, is Uwn!" Yelled Uwn triumphantly, as he jumped up, smashing Smith against the roof of the Tunnel. He then leaped out of the way of the Train, which promptly smacked straight into Smith
"Guess you were on the wrong side of the tracks." Uwn chuckled. The train suddenly halted, and Smith emerged. Uwn dashed upstairs, and paused when there was a scream prefixed by the collapse of a roof. The ceiling had landed on Smith.
Outside, Uwn snatched an Adepts phone, ignorant of both the mans protests and the devastation around him.
"I'm A Celebrity, get me out of here!" he told Leman
"Okay, head north five blocks."
"Five blocks?!"
"well, you did flatten most of the place."
Uwn was interrupted by Smith shooting at him.
"Oip! Gotta go.." and he threw the Phone at Smith, and missed
Eldrad was not having fun at all. Not only would he not stop getting killed, his soul would not ever leave wherever he died, meaning the had to possess some stupid mind and then leave via going back to his body.
It had served he and Ron well many times before, but now Ron was totally dead. Eldrad did not know this, of course. What he did know was that he had found another body, which was lucky as in this city, there were not many left.
"Ahh, now to follow Uwn." He said, then a brick-like Mobile Vox-Phone smacked into his head, making him stumble into the path of an oncoming fire engine.
Dammit! he thought, then spotted another body nearby, and took it quickly.
Meanwhile, that fire engine skidded upon the previous body, and ploughed into a Café.
Skwatch and Jaq sat sipping their tea, crumb-covered plates in front of them. The waitress neared with the bill, and the two were worried, only for a fire engine to smash in at that point, running over the Waitress.
"Iz der waitress dead?" Skwatch asked Jaq.
"Yep. Told you the tarot said we could get a free lunch."
Eldrad looked around in the kitchen, then heard screaming, and a crashing noise from outside.
Then he met with an old friend.
"SB34 LOL. that's the one that ran me over outside AND last MarcAAARGH!"
Uwn ran like he had never ran before. but he still could not outrun the Eejents. He thought of some way to speed himself up.
I know. If they catch me, they'll make me watch tellytubbies.
He was at the sound barrier in seconds, and at the hab-block where the exit was. He climbed the fire escape, Bullets from the Eejents bouncing off the metal as he did so.
Meanwhile in reality
Five Sentry-Nulls zoomed along the web way, headed straight for the Nobuccaneersere. Morphineus , leman, and Ginity were alerted to them by the Klaxons.
"Oh no." Leman said
"Get the EMP ready, Leman."
Back in the Krootrix.
Unw leapt in a window, and into a corridor. An Eejent fired upon him from the end, so he smashed into a different room, and hopped onto the fire escape once more. He then jumped into a different corridor, and opened the door where the exit should have been.
But Smith lay waiting.
And a shot rang out
Uwn stared, then looked at the hole in the side of Smiths head.
"GUYS!! Way to aim, a-hole!" he yelled at the Yoda-Eejent who was firing randomly outside." Then Smith shot Uwn. Repeatedly.
On the ship, Uwn's vital signs went flat line, as the remaining three Sentry-Nulls burst in (the other two having collided with each other)
"Goodbye, Mr Banderson." said Smith
The sane Eejent checked him, and announced his lack of vital signs.
So, as the Eejents walked off, they took their eyes off the proverbial ball.
Ginity promptly performed the weepy scene,
"Uwn. you cant die. The orry-cull wasn't cooking when she told me I would fall in love with the Wun's bank balance." She then took his bank statement, and kissed it.
Uwn stood up, and then ran straight at Smith, and passed into him.
"What the? Hey, that tickles.. Ow, quit it.iiAAAARGH!" and Smith exploded.
Uwn stood between the smoking shoes, and looked at the other Eejents. Who both developed a sudden urge to run a marathon.
Uwn raced to pick the Phone up, and got there just as the EMP. was not detonated. He stared into Ginity's eyes, as Morphineus and Leman laughed their socks off at the other three Sentry-Nulls having lasered each others legs off.
"Right, lets see if we can get Eldrad back, he'll be wandering around in there somewhere.." Leman said
"Uwn, can I borrow £20?" Asked Ginity.
Epilogue
A Phone rang, and the system errored.
"I know you're afraid of us. You know, that I know. And you know that we can stop you. We're going to show these people the truth. A Universe without rules, or boundaries, where they can really be free. where we go from there is up to you."
"And, do you want Anchovies with that?"
"Huh?"
"This is Pizza Hut."
"DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN!"
Uwn simply gave up, saying he would try again tomorrow. And he then flew into the sky.
Credits
Written and Directed by Del
Starring Keanot Act as Uwn
Carrie-Ann AAmembershipcard as Ginity
Lawrence of Arabia Max Payne as Morphineus
Eejent Smith played by Elrond
Eejent Yoda/Gollum played by Wee Bo
Eejent Sane played by Tommy Vercetti
Leman Played by Leman Russ
Ron played by David Mactavish
Skwatch, Eldrad Ulthran, Cypher as themselves.
Arbites and Guardsmen supplied by the Adeptus Ministorum.
The Krootrix
To the tune of 'Tribute' by Tenacious D
This is the greatest and best spoof in the world.
Tribute
Long time ago, me and the TO members here
We was reading, a long and funnisome post
All of a sudden. there shined a shiny demon
In the middle, of the screen
AND HE SAID
Write the best, spoof in the world, or I'll eat your Pringles
Well, me and TO, we looked at each other. And they each said
"you're on your own!"
And I wrote the first thing that came to my head, it just so happened to be, the best spoof in the world, it was the best spoof in the world..
Look into my threads and its easy to 1 and 1 make 2, 2 and 1 make 3, it was Destiny!
Once every 10,000 posts or so, when the suns doth shine and moon doth glow and the post count don't grow..
Needless to say. The Beast was stunned.
A Whip-Crack of his whipped tail
And the beast had 1 wound left
He asked me:
'be you a chaos god?'
And I said Nay, I am but Del! Rawk!
Aaaaaaah, ahahaaa, wooaah, ahooaaaah
This is not, the greatest spoof in the world, this is just a tribute.
Forgot to save, the greatest spoof in the world, yeah, NO , this is a tribute,
To the greatest spoof in the world, ooh right it was the greatest spoof in the world, oh right
Moogle google bloogle greatest spoof in the world.
Flgigoogle, glfigiggogle da da dee..
And the peculiar thing is this my friends, the spoof I typed on that faithful night didn't even look anything like this SPOOF!
This is just a tribute.
You gotta believe me, and I wished you were there
'tis a matter of opinion.
Freak out, start posting more, so surprised to find replies here, rich naughty person with an electric chair.. Eh?
If you like this site, please consider helping us out greatly by donating to us.
This article currently has a rating of 2.7 (out of 10).
You must be logged in to rate this article. Please login or register to continue.
This article has been commented on 3 time(s).
You must be logged in to comment on this article. Please login or register to continue.
| Comment made by trooperpaul on 07:31:43, 23 June 2008 |
|---|
| wtf? |
| Comment made by insanetau on 09:03:17, 14 March 2008 |
|---|
| hahahahahahaha that is very very funny, i saw the matrix, and i understand it. what is that song at the end? |
| Comment made by Metalstorm on 16:56:57, 4 July 2007 |
|---|
| that was really really confusing, perhaps take a little more time and care to develop the scene instead of just speaking of key parts. |
